Thinking about disinheriting a family member is rarely just a legal issue. It usually comes with years of hurt, disappointment, fear, or concern for other relatives. Before you ask a solicitor to change your will, it can help to slow down and work through the conversations that might still be possible.
This guide focuses on those conversations and reflections that come before any final legal step.
1. What is really driving this decision?
Start by naming, as honestly as you can, why you are considering cutting this person out.
Common reasons include:
- You want to protect vulnerable relatives from someone who is irresponsible or abusive.
- You feel that one person has already received far more support than others.
- You have become estranged and no longer feel there is a relationship to recognise.
- You are reacting to a recent conflict or betrayal.
Try writing your reasons in a sentence or two, as if you were explaining them to a neutral third party. If the explanation sounds thin, heavily emotional, or hard to express, that is a sign that more reflection might help.
Ask yourself:
- Am I trying to protect someone, punish someone, or send a message
- If I imagine this person reading my will, what do I hope they understand
- Would I feel the same way if time had passed and tempers had cooled
There are no right or wrong answers here. The aim is to see what sits underneath the decision.
2. Questions to ask yourself before raising the topic
Before you speak to anyone else, consider a few practical and emotional questions.
a. What outcome do I really want?
Is your goal to cut financial ties, to reset how the family works, or to draw a boundary in a relationship that feels harmful? If the outcome you want is primarily relational, changing your will alone may not achieve that.
b. How permanent am I prepared for this to be?
Once you die, your will is the last word. People cannot ask you to reconsider. Ask yourself whether you would like to leave any room for change, apology, or growth in that relationship.
c. Who else could be affected?
Changing your will can shift the balance between siblings, stepchildren, or other relatives. Think about:
- Will this create new conflict among those who remain
- Will someone end up with unexpected responsibility, such as caring for a vulnerable person, because of your choice
d. Am I in a moment of high emotion?
If a major argument or crisis has just happened, it might be better to cool down before making permanent decisions. You can still set firm boundaries in day to day life while you give yourself time to think about the estate plan.
3. Preparing for the hard conversation
If it is safe to do so, consider having a conversation with the person you are thinking of cutting out, or with key relatives who will be affected.
Set your intention
Decide what you want from the conversation: to explain concerns, to invite change, to state a boundary, or to say goodbye to certain expectations.
Choose a setting
Pick a time and place where no one is rushed. For very tense situations, having another trusted person present, or a mediator, can help everyone stay grounded.
Use clear, calm language
Focus on specific behaviours rather than sweeping labels.
- Instead of: “You are selfish.”
- Try: “When you borrowed money and did not repay it, it made me feel taken for granted.”
Be honest about the fact that you are considering your will. At the same time, avoid using disinheritance as a threat.
Prepare for their reaction
The other person might feel shocked, angry, or deeply hurt. They might deny past behaviour, or they might open up in a way you did not expect. Your job is not to fix everything in one meeting. Aim to say what you need to say with respect, then give space.
4. Alternatives to cutting someone out completely
Sometimes a middle path can protect your values and other relatives without a total break.
Examples include:
- Leaving a smaller share rather than nothing.
- Placing money in a trust that is managed by someone you trust, especially if the person has addiction, debt, or mental health issues.
- Setting conditions, such as repayment of existing loans being deducted from any inheritance.
- Writing a separate letter that explains your reasoning in humane terms.
These options will still need proper legal advice, however they can create a structure that balances care, responsibility, and consequences.
5. When you cannot talk directly
In some families, direct conversation is not safe or realistic. That may be the case if there has been abuse, coercion, or patterns of behaviour that never change.
In those situations, you might:
- Speak to a therapist or counsellor to work through your feelings.
- Share your thinking with a trusted friend or relative who is not likely to pass messages back.
- Write a private letter to the person you are cutting out, even if you never send it, as a way to clarify your thoughts.
You still have the right to make decisions that protect you and others. The aim is simply to ensure that those decisions come from as settled a place as possible, rather than from fear alone.
6. Where legal advice fits in
Once you have done the personal work and feel more certain about your decision, then legal advice becomes important.
Every country has its own rules about wills, dependants, and who can challenge an estate. If you live in the UK and are moving towards a firm choice, it is wise to read clear guidance on disinheriting someone in the UK, then speak to a solicitor who can look at your exact situation.
Legal information cannot replace the emotional work, but it will show you:
- Whether your current plan is realistic.
- Who might still have a claim on your estate.
- What steps you need to take so your wishes have the best chance of being respected.
Final thoughts
Cutting someone out of your will is one of the most serious choices you can make in family life. Before you sign new documents, give yourself the time and support to understand what is driving you, to speak with people where that is possible, and to look at creative options that sit between “everything” and “nothing”.
If, after those conversations, you still decide that disinheritance is the right step, you can move into the legal process with a clearer head and a stronger sense of why you are doing it. That clarity will not remove all of the sadness or tension, but it can help you feel that you acted with care, rather than only in reaction to pain.
